I’ll never forget the date. March 17, 2023. It was a Friday.
I was in a parking lot when I received the news. My best friend was “no longer with us.” She was 38 years young. I got in my car, sat in disbelief for what seemed like an eternity, then began to cry uncontrollably. Fear, anger, sadness, uncontrollable sadness, took over. I was no longer a part of my body. I became my emotions. I was overcome with emotions, and the most intrusive thoughts. This will be the case for the next two years. I’m still working through it.
As much as I grieved and will forever grieve her passing, I think I always knew this day would come. For as long as I’d known her, over 20 years, she battled with depression. It was like this monster that would overtake my vivacious, loving, and free-spirited friend, and hold her hostage until it brought her back down. Cheer competitions, concerts, graduation, getting her dream job, it didn’t matter. The monster was there to take her happiness away, always.
As her friend, it was debilitating to see that I couldn’t do anything to get rid of the monster. She hid it so well from me and many others. When she took her life, I was heartbroken. I couldn’t face or accept it. “What more could I have done?” I’d ask myself, over and over and over again. It was torturous, and still is.
It’s taken me two years, and maybe more time is needed, to learn that there was nothing more that I could have done. This was her choice, and I have to learn to accept it. It will take a while, for I’m still not fully there yet (even as I type this), but I do know that I’ve been finding pockets of growth that have helped me heal:
Therapy: The number one reason I’ve been able to wake up and carry on another day after my best friend’s passing is because of my relationship with my therapist, Liza Alex Baker, LMFT, M.A.
Working with a therapist has been the best decision I’ve ever made for my mental health. It’s why I’ve been able to move through these past few years with more clarity and grace. “Finding a safe place to feel and express your emotions is so important,” says Baker. “These emotions that you are feeling exist whether you ignore them or not. Self-compassion is a critical part of healing, and a therapist can help you in this process.”
Once a week I meet with Baker for an hour. We talk about anything and everything that comes to mind. It’s comforting to feel completely seen and heard; someone who can fully help work through the nuances and challenges of every emotion. It’s hard work, and there are days when I don’t feel like opening up as much as I do on other days, but that’s part of the process. It’s like going to the gym, except I get to flex my mental health muscles more so than my glutes. The results have been life-changing. After each session, I feel like my Instant Pot the moment I switch the valve to quick release. It’s not perfect, as some days are harder than others, but the heaviness of my thoughts are much more lighter and manageable every time I finish a session.
Surround yourself with loved ones: You cannot do this life by yourself. Ask for help. Call a friend to watch your kids for an hour so you can nap. Say “no, thank you” to obligations that you don’t want to do. Your tribe will understand and support you.
Eat, sleep, and try to work out: Before you can do anything well, you need a good night’s sleep, nutritious food in your belly, and physical activity to be able to assess if there’s something wrong. There were so many times when I just needed to do better in any of these three categories to feel like myself again.
Volunteer/Do something nice for yourself or others: Whether it’s hosting a movie and crafts night with friends or teaching a yoga class, donating my time and surrounding myself with my community has been a true joy and a gift to my mental health.
Get creative: Through therapy, I learned that doing something creative helps me combat anxiety. In my spare time, I’ve been working on a paint by numbers project. I don’t get very far, as I can only get to it when my kids are napping on the weekends, but the intention is there and it keeps me hyper-focused and present when I’m working on it.
Go outside: These past few years, I’ve noticed the need to go outside more often than usual. Though my fair-skin seems to turn beet-red just by being around the sun rather than under it, I found myself gravitating more to the beach with my family, or packing up lunches to have picnics at the park.
This summer I started a garden on our 100-square-foot balcony, and it’s been, so far, a blissful project. I bought a pink hammock chair, with a matching pink rug, that overlooks my lemon tree and sweet potatoes. Sometimes my 2 year old and 5 year old squish on with me while we read
a picture book. It’s hard to take life too seriously whenever I set foot on our tiny outdoor oasis.
Overall, I have to remind myself constantly that there is no clear path to healing. It comes in waves. Some days I’ll feel like I’ve moved on. Other days I feel as if I need to start all over again. It’s frustrating but, from what I’ve learned, it’s part of the path toward healing.
Whatever your path to healing looks like, just know you are not alone. We’re all here, together, taking it one day at a time, and I’m especially here with you, my friend.
If you or someone you know needs help, the national suicide and crisis lifeline in the U.S. is availabley calling or texting 988. There is also an online chat at 988lifeline.org.
Loved ones who are left to cope after losing someone to suicide are often left with so many heartbroken feelings, yet many don’t seek help to work through them due to shame, guilt, and extreme sadness. Cheack out suicide loss resources: you are loved for advice from Liza Alex Baker, LMFT, M.A., about some of the best local resources that can help those in need, along with some guidance that all of us can use to help our mental health.
Hero and thumbnail illustration by Garry Ono
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