the lasting pain of suicide

This is part two of a two-part series. Read part one, preventing suicide: how to find the light in in darkness.

Matt Huff was just 19 years old when he lost one of his best friends to suicide.

“Drake wasn’t just a charismatic presence; he was the brightest light in any room, with a smile that could brighten even the dullest of days,” says Huff, sales account manager at HMSA.

^Drake.

The two became friends as freshmen at Moanalua High School. Their friendship grew throughout the years before it was tragically cut short in 2013.

“It was a little past midnight when I received the call,” says Huff. “I was in disbelief, hoping it was just a nightmare.”

“Kindhearted and inspiring”
Huff remembers Drake as “one of the cool kids” in middle school. And his reputation certainly followed him as he became captain of the football team at Moanalua.

But Drake didn’t let his popularity go to his head. At his core, he was a leader with a kind heart, helping those in and out of his circle.

^{Drake was football captain at Moanalua High School.}

“He helped me find my footing in the gym, instilling a sense of confidence in me that I never had before,” explains Huff. “He had this infectious belief that anyone could achieve their goals – like getting a six-pack that looked like his ‘turtle shell.’”

Besides football, Drake loved music and found joy in sharing songs with friends.

“During our dawn patrol beach sessions, he would ‘shotgun’ the front seat just so he could share the latest music with us, breaking down the lyrics in a way that made us see life differently,” says Huff. “His passion for music and the way he related it to everyday experiences was inspiring.”

Mental health struggles
Drake was also open about his mental health. He was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) when he was just 9 years old. After a suicide attempt, his mother moved him and his brother from Colorado to Hawaii for a healthier and safer life.

While Drake received treatment for PTSD, he continued to struggle with memories from his traumatic childhood.

“It was heartbreaking to see how deeply those early experiences affected him, even as he grew into the vibrant person we all loved,” says Huff.

Leaning on each other
The morning after Drake died, Huff gathered with some friends and family at the park where it happened.

“In that moment, we shared a profound sense of disbelief and confusion, struggling to comprehend why this had happened,” he says. “Anger bubbled up – not only toward the situation but also toward Drake for making such a heartbreaking choice.”

Losing a loved one to suicide can lead to complicated, overwhelming feelings. But having a support system can help. Huff learned to cope by leaning on friends and family, both his own and Drake’s.

“We faced this loss together, so we created a safe space where we could express our emotions freely and be there for one another,” he says.

In the immediate aftermath, Huff felt a whirlwind of shock, anger, and guilt. The feelings were intense and overwhelming, but they lessened overtime and transformed into a deeper understanding and acceptance of the situation.

^{Matt and Drake circa 2012. They enjoyed capturing action shots on Matt's GoPro.}

“I’ve come to realize that while I would never condone or believe that suicide is the answer, I can accept that Drake, in his pain, made a choice that he felt was best for himself at the moment,” says Huff. “It’s difficult not to feel anger toward him for leaving us, but I’ve learned that if he was suffering so deeply and saw no other way out, who are we to be selfish or judge him?”

But the longing to reconnect with Drake has never faded. Huff and Drake’s other loved ones often pay tribute to their friend by visiting his favorite beach on the North Shore.

“It’s where we can reminisce and feel his spirit with us,” says Huff.

The tight-knit group also participated in the Out of the Darkness Walk last year, which was organized by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

^{Walking in honor of Drake.}

“It was a powerful experience to come together and celebrate his life while raising awareness about mental health,” says Huff.

Honoring Drake’s memory
The grieving process has been long, and the loss will always stay with Huff.

“Through his life and even in his passing, Drake has taught me invaluable lessons about compassion, connection, camaraderie, and impermanence,” he says. “I’ll always value them and keep them near and dear to me.”

In honor of Drake, Huff has become an advocate for mental health, making it a priority to encourage open conversations about well-being and reaching out to others.

“I know how tempting it is to hide what you’re feeling. Admitting that you need help is one of the hardest steps to take,” says Huff. “But we owe it to one another to express what we’re feeling and to create an environment where vulnerability is welcomed. That’s what love is – caring for others without judgment.

“I want to be that person who listens and offers support, just as Drake would have for any of us. As we move forward, I carry his memory with me, and I hope to honor him by fostering a supportive community for those who might need it.”

If you or someone you know is struggling, call or text 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, for free and confidential support and crisis resources.