teen dating violence awareness month: recognize the signs and take action

Maybe it started small. The 16-year-old soccer player demanding her boyfriend’s social media passwords, just to “check” his direct messages. The high school senior receiving unwanted explicit photos and texts. The 17-year-old cheerleader’s partner dictating what she can or cannot wear in public. Or maybe it seemed like a “normal” aspect of being in a relationship.

Dating violence often starts with a pattern of controlling or aggressive behavior and can manifest into physical, emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. Though February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness month, teen dating violence is a year-round problem with lifelong consequences and a reminder that dating violence doesn’t discriminate against age.

A complex issue
Teen dating violence is abusive behavior and can take place in person or online and an intimate partner violence may involve, but are not limited to:

• Digital abuse: Checking phones, emails, or social media accounts without permission or coerced to give permission.
• Physical abuse: Hitting, kicking, or another type of physical force.
• Psychological aggression: Verbal and nonverbal communication with intent to exert control of the other.
• Sexual violence: Forcing a partner into sexual acts without consent.
• Stalking: A pattern of repeated and unwanted attention.
• Verbal abuse: Putting the other person down frequently.

Dating violence can happen in any community, in any relationship, regardless of ethnicity, religion, economic status, or sexual orientation. According to the Domestic Violence Action Center (DVAC), one in 10 high school students experienced physical violence from a dating partner last year.

“This statistic shows us that this issue is not a rare or isolated issue – it’s an issue that’s affecting the youth all around us,” says Jordan Renfrow, manager of DVAC’s Teen Alert Program (TAP) 808, a youth-focused prevention and early intervention program in response to the growing prevalence of teen dating violence and the lack of age-appropriate and culturally relevant education and support for young people. “Navigating early relationships today is incredibly difficult. The environment with social media, constant connectivity, and technology can increase isolation, coercive control, pressure, and monitoring. Many youth are dealing with this issue before they have the knowledge to understand and see the signs.”

Early signs to look for
Oftentimes abuse can be veiled as love, while abusers’ actions are claimed to be affection, care, or protection. Partners on the receiving end may feel like they’re walking on eggshells or gaslit to believe that they’re imagining things. 

“Some warning signs are subtle and often normalized, such as constant jealousy, pressure to share passwords, monitoring social media, isolating someone from friends or family, or making ‘jokes’ that belittle or shame,” says Renfrow. “Emotional manipulation, threats of self-harm to prevent a breakup, and controlling behavior are also frequently overlooked because they’re not always recognized as abuse. TAP 808 emphasizes that abuse is about power and control, not just physical harm.”

Talk early, talk often
As teens move toward adulthood, talking about healthy romantic relationships is just as important as discussing other milestones like getting a driver’s license or getting ready for college. Even if a teen is in middle school or even late elementary school and not yet dating, they’re likely to know of someone who is. It’s never too early to start discussing or modeling healthy relationships.

“Starting these conversations early helps young people build a foundation for healthy relationships before harmful patterns take hold,” Renfrow says. “When teens can name red flags, understand consent, and learn healthy communication, they are better equipped to protect themselves and others. Early education also reduces stigma and increases the likelihood that youth will seek help when something feels wrong.”

Unhealthy relationships can have negative short- and long-term effects on young adults. Experiences of teen dating violence are often associated with medical and behavioral health issues in adulthood. Survivors could experience post-traumatic-stress disorder if trauma begins to affect their daily life. 

Finding and giving support
If you or someone you know may be experiencing teen dating violence, reach out to a trusted confidante. 

“Even if they’re unsure whether what they’re seeing is abuse, it’s always OK to ask questions and seek guidance. Trusting your instincts and speaking up can make a critical difference,” says Renfrow.

If you don’t know where to start, DVAC and TAP 808 offer confidential, trauma-informed support to empower teens and young adults and their parents or caregivers with knowledge, skills, and resources to build healthy relationships, recognize abusive behaviors early, and seek help when needed. 

They also work with parents, schools, and community partners to create safer environments and provide prevention through educational outreach workshops, presentations, and activities. TAP 808 also provides one-on-one advocacy services to youth and their parents/caregivers who are dealing with relationship abuse, including safety planning, emotional support, referrals to counseling or legal services, and help navigating school or family concerns.

To show support, Renfrow encourages parents, teachers, and community members to listen to young people. “Creating spaces where teens feel safe to ask questions and express concerns without judgment is one of the most powerful forms of prevention,” he says.

Romantic relationships can be complicated at any age, and an abusive partner can be especially frightening and confusing to teenagers just starting to navigate the dating world.  

“Healthy relationships should feel safe, respectful, and supportive. If something doesn’t feel right, it matters — and you deserve support,” says Renfrow. “You’re not alone, and help is available.”

For more information about the Domestic Violence Action Center and TAP 808, visit domesticviolenceactioncenter.org and tap808.org. 

Healthy youth
Raising kids to adults can take a village. Read more about ways our community supports keiki and teens in Hawaii. 

• boba, bonding, and healing at spill the tea café
• hawaii youth get mental health support
• school counselors on a mental health mission
• supporting kids’ mental health